A page from the Women’s Book of Secrets

At long last, I found the right guy to give my first blowjob. This was fairly late in my bisexual experimentation, but most of that had involved sex toys and masturbation rather than conventional queer sex. A lot of guys had sucked my cock, especially when I was younger. I never had to ask, and I did enjoy it.

When I wanted to suck a man all the way, I had to look around consciously. It took a while. I knew what I wanted and found an excellent partner for the occasion. I had picked someone to take my virginity. I had never had another guy’s semen in my body, and that was very much in my plans. I say excellent because we were both in experimental mode, and had the same values about health. He was the right age, that is, not too young, friendly and pretty aware.

We had three meetings, altogether, and the story takes place in Belgium, where I was living at the time. I found him on Craig’s Wish List, advertising for a guy to masturbate with. That is my erotic point of entree; if masturbating together is fun and goes well, you can keep doing that or keep experimenting.

He was 25. I learned that I would be his second partner; he had only done anything sexual with one girlfriend. In my view he was practically a virgin, but I was able to ask for and learn about some details of his life with a girl named Trina, so I knew he wasn’t.

We had an email correspondence that went on for maybe a month, asking one another a lot of questions…and then one day he came over. He lived in Antwerp (Anvers, en français); I was in Brussels. We had a good understanding of one another’s health history and STD status, and we trusted one another confidently. I was still planning safe sex, for this visit. But I knew what I ultimately wanted.

In our first meeting, I got him off with my hand. First we masturbated facing one another, but he really wanted me to do it to him, to do it for him. Absolutely curious, I gave that to him. From that experience, I discovered he had a big cock and ejaculated a lot. I grabbed hold of him and, very slowly at first, fucked him with my fist till he lost control. He covered his belly with about six long spurts of semen as his cock shook in my hand. Each was as much as my entire ejaculation.

We planned a second meeting and he knew what I wanted to do – go down on him and have him cum into my mouth or throat. I knew he came a lot, and I really wondered how I was going to take it, but I needed to be in that space of not knowing what I was going to do. Whatever it felt like, I was willing to surrender to it. I wanted to feel helpless, and it feels good to say that out loud now.

Disbelieving what I was typing into the email even as I wrote, I asked him not to masturbate for a few days before arriving, and he said okay. I wanted him full on and very horny: a hot boy with a lot of cum in his belly.

Getting together that day, we talked for a few minutes, but pretty much went directly to what we wanted.

I had promised to lick out his ass before I sucked him but didn’t have the courage. I could vividly in my phantasies, and several times enjoyed the emotion of that particular submission. But when it came to in-person – I didn’t. Next time I know I have to, because I know from experience there is something really amazing about having your ass licked before you let go into someone’s mouth. It builds the tension and…well, it’s the total submissiveness and then the feeling of bestowing that kind of pleasure.

Anyway, my face got near his cock, and then he did something that surprised me, which was gently clasped my cheeks and fucked me like I was his. It happened quickly and he took his prerogative, and from a delicate place in myself, I gave myself over.

His cock took to my mouth nicely, filling it tighter than I had imagined, but it was easy. I was surprised; he seemed so big, and yet he slid into my throat. Then a moment later I encouraged him to fuck my throat. He did that for some moments as I did an odd dance with my gag reflex. It was surprisingly easy to move with.

Then I had to fuck my ass: I needed to be penetrated. So I stopped for a moment, and sat gradually down on a flat-bottomed dildo that was conveniently left nearby. This anchored me to the Earth and to the bed and into myself, and I continued slowly sucking him and explored the sensation of my throat being penetrated so warmly.

After a while, I asked him to kneel up, and wrapped my legs around him, and he resumed fucking me, only he was kneeling upright. I was sitting in front of him, kind of wrapped around him. I pushed my knees apart. My cock sprung up but it was just exposed there, and I felt my balls hang, simmering. I did not touch myself at all. My core was feeling well-penetrated as that silicone penis reached into me. I melted into existence, taken both ways.

Then a woman inside me took over.

That’s the only way I can describe it; not really a girl, definitely female, mature and emotionally present, seized my psyche. I still felt like me, though differently so. Physically, I grounded into the experience by spreading my knees apart, that stretching feeling of being totally pulled open.

I was letting him merge into me. And I was very happy about what I knew was going to happen. I had this moment of knowing the wait was over.

He fucked me a little more aggressively, and I him. We did it to one another, but then I took over.

He said, “All I need is a little more…” and I knew what he meant. He meant he was close to orgasm, if I would be a little more aggressive. I pulled him as deep into my mouth as I could, groaning, and flicked my tongue on the bottom of the head of his cock. I moaned out how good and deep the emotion of doing this was, feeling the sound vibrate through our energy field.

My throat started to pulse. There was a rhythm, fairly quick and strange because I had never felt it before, and it was totally involuntary. I was gulping but there was nothing to swallow; my throat felt dry, but it was pulsing. It was just happening, it was pure biology, and it took over my whole consciousness and the moment hung suspended.

Somewhere in here I thought, “What if I don’t like the taste?” And some spirit inside me replied, “Even if you don’t, it’s going to feel just as good.”

Then into that dry throbbing flooded his semen, which began pulsing in the precise rhythm of my throat. He was like drinking warm jets from a well, unlimited, gulping and swallowing effortlessly after waiting so so long.

And for a fleeting moment I didn’t like the taste, and surrendering to that the sensation went to ecstasy. Receiving, accepting…I felt him full and warm in my belly.

I had swallowed a man’s enormous ejaculation. I rested, and meditated, and looked at him. I wondered what it felt like for him, for that to have just happened. I waited to feel repulsed, or disgusted, or nauseous, but I felt good and satisfied, deeply sexually satisfied. I paused and breathed for a while, feeling the bed below me and sensing the cool morning air spill in the window.

Then like a fire lit, I had to masturbate. Right then, my way.

I could have let him suck me off; he told me later he had wanted to. It never really occurred to me: I had to expose myself getting me off, and I did, I licked my hand, my mouth was still sticky and slippery with his seed.

I knelt up, in my favorite climax position with my knees pushed apart, as he watched me from the short distance. Still fucked in my ass I fucked my cock with my fist and showed him my love, teasing myself to look into his eyes, until I called out my orgasm, and shook before him grunting and cumming into my hand, and lapped my semen out of my palm as he gazed across the short distance toward me. I ached to open my mouth and show him my mouthful of myself, but I could not bring myself to do it.

I swallowed and we mixed in my belly. I spun like Dorothy. I finally landed on my bed in a trance, and that is where he left me, comingled with a white sheet on a bright morning. On my lips and hand and belly semen dried in the cool air. I dozed into light floating sleep.

I did not shower. Hours later, walking around alone, I felt like I had read a page from the Women’s Book of Secrets. I walked through the streets of downtown Brussels on a warm shopping afternoon, and it was something in their eyes.